Back To Yourself: Centering Your Goals Without Giving In To Toxic Individualism

The journey of the self is not selfish.

But—if we’re honest—it does require a good amount of selfishness.

We mean this. We mean you have to know and trust yourself before you can fairly participate in relationships, in community, and in the outside world.

The trouble is, “selfishness” has been weaponized. We’ve been told that prioritizing ourselves is greedy or cold, or that the only way to prove we care about others is by constantly draining ourselves for their benefit. At the same time, toxic versions of self-focus—what we might call toxic individualism—have taken over the cultural landscape. We see it in the hustle mantras, the influencer aesthetics of “self-care” as shopping, and the endless encouragement to “cut everyone off” if they don’t fuel your grind.

Neither extreme is the answer.

What if we reclaimed selfishness as something healthy—an essential boundary-setting practice that lets us be whole, so we can show up for others without resentment or burnout?

The Trap of Toxic Individualism

In wellness spaces, especially, toxic individualism shows up disguised as empowerment.

• “If they don’t support you, cut them off.”

• “Protect your energy at all costs.”

• “You don’t owe anyone anything.”

  
  

At first glance, these mantras feel freeing. But in practice, they often leave people more isolated, distrustful, and exhausted than before. Instead of creating strength, they create walls. Instead of centering, they produce fragmentation.

The outcomes are everywhere:

• People who look polished online but feel disconnected in real life.

• Communities that fracture because everyone is focused on “me versus them.”

• Goals that burn us out because they were chosen for optics, not meaning.

  
  

This isn’t true self-work. It’s self-abandonment wearing the mask of independence.

flow.: Knowing Yourself First

How can you know what works for you if you haven’t done your own deep work?

How can you set boundaries if you’ve never asked what you truly need?

How can you show up for others if you’ve never learned how to show up for yourself?

This is the practice of flow. It’s the ongoing discipline of listening inward so that you can live outward without collapse. When you begin to notice your rhythms—what foods fuel you, what habits drain you, what environments stifle or free you—you start to create a foundation that is stable, adaptable, and real.

Flow isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness, refinement, and honesty with yourself.

The Practice of Selfishness

This is where selfishness re-enters, but in a form that serves everyone around you. Healthy selfishness says:

• I need rest so I can be present with you.

• I need nourishment so I can be generous.

• I need boundaries so I can hold space without resentment.

  
  

When selfishness looks like deep respect for your own limits and desires, it doesn’t shrink your relationships—it expands them. You’re no longer participating from depletion or hidden obligation. You’re participating from wholeness.

Goals as Anchors, Not Shackles

Once you’ve built this foundation, goal-setting becomes less about proving yourself and more about aligning with yourself. You’re not setting goals to check boxes for others, or to keep up with what you think life should look like. You’re setting goals that reflect your core values—goals that feel like anchors in your flow, not shackles around your freedom.

The question shifts from What should I accomplish this year? to What do I want my life to feel like, and what rhythms will support that feeling?

That shift changes everything.

A Practice of Renewal

Centering your goals isn’t a one-time declaration. It’s a practice—a rhythm of renewal. Every quarter, every year, you can return to the process of asking:

• What habits or commitments are quietly draining me?

• What goals no longer feel alive?

• What am I ready to shed so I can participate more fully in life, in community, in myself?

  
  

This isn’t alienation from reality or relationships. It’s the opposite. By clearing away what doesn’t serve you, you re-enter reality with clarity and compassion. You become more available for relationships because you’re not carrying the weight of goals that never belonged to you in the first place.

Reclaimation

The journey of the self is not selfish. It’s the only way to participate fairly, fully, and sustainably in the world around you.

And yes—it does require a kind of selfishness. But it’s the kind that heals. The kind that frees you. The kind that makes your goals a gift not only to yourself, but to everyone who meets you along the way. Really, getting back to yourself means you can give more to others.